30 Funny Quotes That’ll Make Your Day

Here is funny and hilarious quotes, all will make your day ūüôā

1- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller


2- The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin


3-¬†Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres


4-¬†It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe


5- When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite


6-¬†If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld


7- Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.

Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.


8-¬†First God created man, then he had a better idea …

First God created man, then he had a better idea ...


9-¬†I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

I'm sorry, I don't take orders. I barely take suggestions.


10- Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.


11- I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.


12- Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.

Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.


13- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.


14-¬†You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.


15-¬†I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.

I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious.


16-¬†Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.

Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams.


17- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.


18-¬†When life shuts a door…open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.

When life shuts a door...open it again. It's a door. That's how they work.


19-¬†Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller


20-¬†I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


21- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns


22-¬†If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter


23- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg


24-¬†Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon


25- I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright


26-¬†My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres


27- All people are born alike Рexcept Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx


28- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips


29- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger


30- He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

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