Here is funny and hilarious quotes, all will make your day 🙂
1-Â Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

2-Â The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin

3-Â Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

4-Â It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe

5-Â When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

6-Â If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
7-Â Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.

8-Â First God created man, then he had a better idea …

9-Â I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

10-Â Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

11-Â I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

12-Â Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.

13-Â Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

14-Â You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

15-Â I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.

16-Â Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.

17-Â The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

18-Â When life shuts a door…open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.

19-Â Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

20-Â I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

21-Â Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

22-Â If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter

23-Â My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

24-Â Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon

25-Â I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

26-Â My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

27-Â All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx

28-Â How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

29-Â There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger

30-Â He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
