30 Funny Quotes That’ll Make Your Day

Here is funny and hilarious quotes, all will make your day 🙂

1- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

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2- The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin

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3- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

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4- It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe

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5- When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

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6- If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

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7- Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.

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8- First God created man, then he had a better idea …

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9- I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

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10- Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

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11- I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

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12- Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.

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13- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

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14- You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

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15- I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.

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16- Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.

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17- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

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18- When life shuts a door…open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.

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19- Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

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20- I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

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21- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

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22- If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter

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23- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

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24- Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon

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25- I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

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26- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

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27- All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx

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28- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

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29- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger

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30- He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor