Here is funny and hilarious quotes, all will make your day 🙂
1- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
2- The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin
3- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
4- It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe
5- When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
6- If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
7- Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.
8- First God created man, then he had a better idea …
9- I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
10- Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.
11- I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.
12- Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
13- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
14- You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
15- I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.
16- Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.
17- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
18- When life shuts a door…open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.
19- Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller
20- I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
21- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
22- If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter
23- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
24- Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon
25- I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
26- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
27- All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx
28- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
29- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger
30- He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
