Here is funny and hilarious quotes, all will make your day 🙂
1- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
![Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Never-go-to-bed-mad.-Stay-up-and-fight.-Phyllis-Diller.jpg)
2- The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin
![The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-planet-is-fine.-The-people-are-fucked.-George-Carlin.jpg)
3- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
![Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Accept-who-you-are.-Unless-youre-a-serial-killer.-Ellen-DeGeneres.jpg)
4- It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe
![It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Its-not-true-that-I-had-nothing-on.-I-had-the-radio-on.-Marilyn-Monroe.jpg)
5- When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
![When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/When-life-gives-you-lemons-squirt-someone-in-the-eye.-Cathy-Guisewite.jpg)
6- If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
7- Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.
![Everyday. Thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Everyday.-Thousands-of-innocent-plants-are-killed-by-Vegetarians.-Help-end-the-violence.-Eat-Bacon..jpg)
8- First God created man, then he had a better idea …
![First God created man, then he had a better idea ...](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/First-God-created-man-then-he-had-a-better-idea-....jpg)
9- I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
![I'm sorry, I don't take orders. I barely take suggestions.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Im-sorry-I-dont-take-orders.-I-barely-take-suggestions..jpg)
10- Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.
![Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Life-Status-currently-holding-it-all-together-with-one-bobby-pin..jpg)
11- I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.
![I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/I-am-not-an-early-bird-or-night-owl.-I-am-some-form-of-permanently-exhausted-pigeon..jpg)
12- Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
![Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Finally-my-winter-fat-is-gone.-Now-I-have-spring-rolls..jpg)
13- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
![Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Life-is-short.-Smile-while-you-still-have-teeth..jpg)
14- You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
![You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Youre-the-reason-this-country-has-to-put-directions-on-shampoo..jpg)
15- I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.
![I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/I-try-not-to-laugh-at-my-own-jokes-but-we-all-know-Im-hilarious..jpg)
16- Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.
![Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Yesterday-I-really-wanted-tacos.-Now-Im-eating-tacos.-Follow-your-dreams..jpg)
17- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
![The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/The-more-you-weigh-the-harder-you-are-to-kidnap.-Stay-safe.-Eat-cake..jpg)
18- When life shuts a door…open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.
![When life shuts a door...open it again. It's a door. That's how they work.](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/When-life-shuts-a-door...open-it-again.-Its-a-door.-Thats-how-they-work..jpg)
19- Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller
![Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Housework-cant-kill-you-but-why-take-a-chance-Phyllis-Diller.jpg)
20- I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
![I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/I-am-not-afraid-of-death-I-just-dont-want-to-be-there-when-it-happens.-Woody-Allen.jpg)
21- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
![Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Happiness-is-having-a-large-loving-caring-close-knit-family-in-another-city.-George-Burns.jpg)
22- If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter
![If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/If-two-wrongs-dont-make-a-right-try-three.-Laurence-J.-Peter.jpg)
23- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
![My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/My-fake-plants-died-because-I-did-not-pretend-to-water-them.-Mitch-Hedberg.jpg)
24- Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon
![Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Life-is-what-happens-to-you-while-youre-busy-making-other-plans.-John-Lennon.jpg)
25- I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
![I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/I-intend-to-live-forever.-So-far-so-good.-Steven-Wright.jpg)
26- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
![My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/My-grandmother-started-walking-five-miles-a-day-when-she-was-sixty.-Shes-ninety-seven-now-and-we-dont-know-where-the-hell-she-is.-Ellen-DeGeneres.jpg)
27- All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx
![All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/All-people-are-born-alike-except-Republicans-and-Democrats.-Groucho-Marx.jpg)
28- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
![How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/How-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-powers-Raise-my-hand.-Emo-Philips.jpg)
29- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger
![There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A. Kissinger](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/There-cannot-be-a-crisis-next-week.-My-schedule-is-already-full.-Henry-A.-Kissinger.jpg)
30- He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
![He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor](https://www.doozylist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/He-taught-me-housekeeping-when-I-divorce-I-keep-the-house.-Zsa-Zsa-Gabor.jpg)